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| Old Things From Matthew J.'s Head
This is where I keep all my old rants. Right now its small enough to fit on one page. Maybe later I will break it up into lots of pages. June 21, 2004 I'm currently in a rather dull portion of my life, but I've found that a little creativity properly applied can make life much more tolerable. What do I mean? Try make a game out of otherwise mundane activities. For example: Gas Pump Lottery Hey Cow! You vs. The Alarm No matter how hard you try though, you can't make a game out of cleaning you room. That's just a lie your mother told you. June 14, 2004 Today's List Rant: Ways to make anything funnier (Thanks to the good people at babelfish
for the translation.) June 6, 2004 As many of you know, I recently spent some time outside of the country, specifically in England and a little bit in Iceland. The thing that astonished me the most is just how ignorant the United States of America. I am outraged. I mean most Americans are incredibly informed about foreign countries. But we here at Matthew J. Hanson.com feel that we need to do more than simply complain about a problem. Today we have a special rant intended for our foreign reader that will explain the two most essential facts about America. If only know two things about the USA, is should be these: 1) America is freaking big. No really look at a map. See all that green? And don't forget good old Alaska. I mean here's Japan, here's the US. Look at that! It's freakin' huge! 2) America enjoys playing jokes on the rest of the world. What, you thing people voted for George W. Bush because they agreed with his foreign policy? No, at the time they thought it would be funny. Need more proof. Look at this transcript from a secret government meeting that I defiantly did not make up. VOICE ONE: All right gentlemen, what have you got for me today? Okay, that's about all you need to know about America. Well, that and the we fought in the War of 1812. May 21, 2002 Well, it's been a while, but I can assure the wait was worth it. After months of painstaking research reading primary sources, and conducting interviews with witnesses to the events, I now present to you: A Brief History of the War of 1812 When we left off in Part I, the newly formed United States of America was about to invade its neighbor to the north, and Canada looked ripe for the picking, but was it? No. The initial invasion consisted of a three prawned attack, which consisted of General William Hull eating prawns, and surrendering Detroit, American forces eating prawns while the crossed lake Champlain instead of engaging the enemy, and a team of crack Navy Prawns failing to realize they could not swim up Niagara Falls. In the ocean things seemed a little better, including several decisive victories for the U.S.S Constitution, but they British Navy eventually regrouped, and laid the blockade down on American ports (including South American. The Brits didn't want to do it but they kept whining about "we're Americans too!") In 1814 things continued to worsen. The English had defeated Napoleon, thus freeing up troops and resources to attack the U.S. After winning the battle of Blansburg, the red coats burnt Washington (D.C., not the former presidant) to the ground, with the exception of the Library of Congress, the Lincoln Memorial , and the U.S. Patent Office, all of which Dolly Madison argued where to important to be lost. (She did so as her husband President James Madison run into the hills like a scared little girl). But God had not forgotten that America was his new favorite. While advancing towards Baltimore the British encountered far more resistance than they had expected at Fort McHenery, and were forced to disengage. (Incidentally, it was this battle that inspired James Joplin to write "The Star-Spangled Banner," which would eventually become our national anthem.) This defeat combined with the American Captain Thomas MacDonough's victory on Lake Eerie caused the Brits to retreat to Canada. And thus the tide turned. But would it last. Tune in every day, just to make sure you don't miss the thrilling conclusion, including the silliest battle ever: the Battle of New Orleans. May 17, 2004 WARNING: This is a bit a self indulgent rant. I apologize. If you want to you can read Dave Barry instead. I won't mind. (Just this once though). It's official. I am now a college graduate. I've got the little diploma and everything. I was asked afterwards if I felt any different, to which I replied, "No," just as I don't feel any older after birthdays. Thinking about this question of graduation has given me a little theory. Basically that events are not the isolated moments they appear to be. I don't mean this in a crazy quantum physics sort of way. What I mean is that an event, such as graduation effects both the time leading up to it, as well as the time directly proceeding it, and really the event itself serves only as a symbol. In a way I've been graduating for half a year now. I've been thinking about my future, preparing for the end of school, and answering that that time old question "what are you going to do after graduation," more times than I can really count. After all that build up the ceremony itself seemed like little more than an excuse to wear funny hats. (Though I did get a chance to shake hands with Jim Lehrer). It's like using the onionskin option in flash. I feel like my existence in the world is something like this too. Every year Beloit College puts out its Mindset List. The idea behind it is to give faculty a brief understanding of reference new students may not grasp. (Really I think the idea is to create publicity for Beloit College, but that's another matter). The thing that I find disturbing, is that the mindset list assumes students are oblivious to anything that happened before they were born. Even if I assume by "always" it means "always within our lifetime," there are still some that are a little insulting, though I think its actually better in the current years. The list for the graduation class of 2004 includes entries such as "43. They only know Madonna singing American Pie," and "5. The Kennedy tragedy was a plane crash, not an assassination." First of all I own Don McLean's original American Pie Album on 12 inch vinyl. Of course I was not alive when Kennedy died, but that doesn't mean it's not part of my life time experience. For one thing I've taken history class. For another I've heard plenty of stories from parents and teachers about, "where they were when they found out Kennedy had been shot." But I learned it not only from books, not only from parents and professors, but even our mass media is saturated with allusions to events as big as the Kennedy assassination. Remember that episode of Quantum Leap where Sam leaps into Lee Harvey Oswald? So the point I'm trying to make is that events don't just happen in isolation. Oh and PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, and ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine. PIN number and ATM machine are redundant. May 10, 2004 I saw a Van Helsing over the weekend. It was hilarious. I think I may be turning into one of those people who enjoys bad movies. Did I mention Hackers is a remarkable work of cinematic genius? That's not the point though. The point is I watched some trailers. There's something about the trailer, it not like any other sort of advertising. People actually get excited to see them. It may have something to do with the fact that the audience is far more accurately targeted. After all, all the people in the theatre like movies, to some degree at least. I wonder if its more than that though. I think the movie trailer might be an art form in itself, and it could be appreciated even without a movie attached to it. I'm toying with the idea of creating such trailers, but I toy with a lot of ideas, and usually nothing ever comes of it. Here's a tag line I like, for a potential trailer to a non existent movie (imagine them in the scary trailer voice): Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't stop him. He's... THE GINGERBREAD MAN!!! May 3, 2004 Here I sit, (recline really), eating an early brinner of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Why so early? Because the ravioli was free, a prop used in one of the second rounds of student directed plays here at Beloit College. But that is not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about are the outrageous reactions that I received from people, when I they realized I was going to eat it. First of all, I just want to say, yes it was a prop, but the can had not been open for more than fifteen minutes before I picked it up, and it was visible the whole time, so it's not like anybody spit in it or anything. And it's not like I was eating chicken wings out the garbage. (By the way, those chicken wings couldn't have been in there more than ten minutes). Yet for some reason the response was universally negative. At first I thought people believed I was going to eat it raw, which is not too un-understandable (derstandable?), because the character in the play made a raw ravioli sandwich (with Wonder Bread I might add). I tried to allay they're fears by assuring them that I would bring it home and microwave it (in my bowl not intended for microwave use). However many still expressed concern. Apparently most people are at issue with the ingratiates of the ravioli, (which only one person read, and afterwards she was surprised about how unfrightening they were). Another person expressed fear that they had no idea where the meat in the ravioli came from. As if that matters. I've eaten in commons for four years now. You think I'm going to really care what part of the cow it is? Honestly how many people these days actually butcher their own cows? Do you know where filet mignon comes from? You knoo what? I don't care. All I care is that it tastes good. And Chef Boyardee does too, gosh darn it. April 26, 2004 The list rant is, as I have said before, a form that I am quite fond of. (Note: I have been thinking about making it one word (listrant), but I fear this will cause it to further evolve into "strant," much the way that web log has evolved into blog. I mean, what a silly word). I'm so fond of the list rant, in fact, that the past several weeks when I sat down to write my rant I've kept saying, "Do a list rant," but then I say, "No, I just did one of those, I can't do them too often, or people will get tired of them." Well today I said, "You know, you've been saying that for weeks, when was the last time you actually wrote a list rant?" As it turns out it was back on March 1st. That's almost two months. I think you guys can take a list rant every two months. So here we go: The little things in life that make Matthew J. happy *(Photos courtesy of Ali Auer (which is why she's in there so much). I was limited to the photos she had. Sorry I couldn't include more. April 19, 2004 I find sometimes that English, despite its rich linguistic history sometimes lacks the words I need in order to express myself, and thus am often forced to come up with new vocabulary. One of my favorite such words is decibelocracy, which is defined as a government run by whomever yells the loudest. Recently however, I have come up with a new situation that needs a word that I am unable to provide. I need something similar to onomatopoeia, except instead of sounding like what the word means, it needs to be like what the word means. Take for example the word awkward. Look at it. I mean, it's pretty freaking awkward with those two ws flanking that gangly k. If awkward tried to ask a girl to the senor prom, it would probably end up spilling soup on her. Or what about weird. I mean we all know the rhyme, "i before e except after c unless sounding like a in a neighborly way." Is there a c in weird? Is it pronounced wayrd? No. It's a misfit, and outcast. In other words: it's just plain weird. Hmm... I find my lack of hyperlinks disturbing. Uhhh... you should check out this band. April 12, 2004 I find something oddly appealing about those persistent, but background, characters in regular TV shows. The ones that are always there, but never hold the focus, or play a pivotal role. In The Transformers, for example, I have always been fascinated by Thundercracker and Skywarp, who casual watchers off the show will remember as "the other jets," and someday when I make a new Transformers Movie, they will have much bigger roles than in the old series. I mention this, because of late I have been watching copious amount of "The West Wing," and have become interested in Bonnie and Ginger, and Ed and Larry. (You have to scroll down for both). For those who watch the show, but don't know who I'm talking about, Bonnie and Ginger are both assistants to Toby, Bonnie being the black woman, and Ginger the redhead. Ed and Larry, are those two guys that are always together. Not really sure what their actual job is, but they talk to CJ a lot. (One website I found says they are CJ's assistants, another says they are legislative liaisons). Hmmm.. I've lost track of where I was going with this. Well, let me just conclude by saying that Stockard Channing is far hotter than Olivia Newton-John. Kenickie totally got the better deal in that movie. April 5, 2004 Benjamin Franklin, author, inventor, and statesman. In his life he did many great things, such as promoting public libraries, making fun of the British, and inventing lightning. He also did some silly things, such as suggesting the turkey be America's national bird. Round about this time of year however, we are reminded of the thing that makes me want to punch him in the face. Daylight savings for those of you who may not have it in your neck of the woods, is a funny little system by which we change all of our clocks twice a year. Every fall, we "fall back" gaining an extra hour. "Ah, but isn't an extra hour a good thing. It will enable you to watch 25 hours of Scooby Doo, all in one day?" Yes that is true, and if that were the end all and be all of the situation I would not have a problem with it. But I'm afraid it does not end there, for you see, in the spring we "spring ahead" thus loosing one hour. This occurred last weekend, and I for one, do not approve. Why? Well the main reason is bitterness about lost sleep pure and simple. I feel that something has been stolen from me and I want it back. And no, I do not feel it is an equal trade for getting the extra hour in the fall. I am an American after all, I feel that that extra hours is mine by divine providence. There are lesser reasons to dislike the time shift. For one thing, it requires effort to change the clocks (though I do have two clocks in my car, one set to daylight savings, and one set to standard). Also it is very inconsistent. Not only do most other countries not follow daylight savings time, not even all of America does. Of course, deep down in my heart, I know that my anger towards B.F. is really misplaced. Time telling wasn't formalized in his day, and while DS time got a good deal of popularity trying to save energy in the World Wars, what we deal with today really is the fault of the Uniform Time Act. Besides, I could never stay made at the guy who invented the glass armonica. March 29, 2004 One thing has always bugged me about Star Wars. (Okay, a few things have bugged me, but only one I'm going to talk about today). The bad guys in it just look so evil. "Well, yes, that's because they are evil," I hear you say. Yes, I know that, but they don't have too look that way. Imagine the following scenario: "Hello, I'd like to enter you Jedi base." I feel that if I were evil I'd try to hide the fact. This is one reason why Batman is so cool. Not only is Batman the scary-looking guy in black with a cape and horns, but look at his arch nemesis. The guy's a clown. I mean... he's a clown! What's go going to do? Rob the cities supply of whoopee cushions? No, actually he's a homicidal maniac. That's what makes it all the more creepy. March 22, 2004 Not only am I late, but this is sort a filler rant. A poem that I dug out of my hard drive. Oh, and there is a naughty word towards the end. Just so you are forewarned. If you’re not in the twelfth grade, I don’t think that you can handle this poem.
My computer has a feature that will tell me the Flesch-Kincaid Grade
Level. March 15, 2004 I have recently reached the conclusion that owls are the ninjas of the bird world. (Or maybe ninjas are the owl of the human world). Think about it. You're a nice little mouse, just minding your own business, scampering about the forest floor trying to find some grain to bring home to your wife and children. But then from no where a pair of talons hit you. The force stuns you just for a moment, but its enough. The crushing beak snaps your spine in two, and you die. There was no warning, not even the flapping of wings, because owls fly virtually silently, (thanks to the comb-like lead edge of their wings, that breaks up turbulence). You might even try hiding in some tall grass, so the owl can't see you, but that won't work my friend. Like a blind archer the owl can track you down by sound alone. The slightly asymmetrical layout of their ears allow owl to pinpoint the exact whereabouts of you scampering little feet. Forget the old image on "wise old owl," in all a clever ruse to disguise on of natures more efficient assassins, whose stealth capabilities are match by only one thing: it's lust for blood March 8, 2004 Do you have one of those days were everything goes wrong? I mean you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, try to get out, and end up hitting your head against the wall? Then you try to take a shower, but apparently the water heater isn't working? After that you try to get some lunch, (because you slept in), but as you arrive to the cafeteria, they have just finished closing the gates? So you end up eating a butterless syrupless Eggo waffle? You carry all you stuff to the car, and just as your about to leave you notice, that somebody stole your girl scout cookies? The you start your five hour drive back to Minnesota, in a car where heater won't turn on and the radio wont turn off, or turn down, or even turn to any station on than the Rush Limbaugh's greatest hits network? Flat tire? Blizzard? Nuclear fall out? Ever have a day like that? No? Me neither. February 26, 2004 As promised we have a special bonus rant in the rant section. And to make your lives all the more exciting, I'm letting you know that it's part one in a three part series. All three parts will appear as bonus rants. When? You'll just have to find out. March 1, 2003 I really like the list rant. You know I got the idea from an ancient Japanese text called the Pillow Book. (No, it's not like that). It's essentially a diary written by a woman at the court around 1,000 (so, yes there is some of that, but it's not really about that). (Though really I've not read the whole thing, only excerpts, so maybe the rest of it is all about that). Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that one of the things the author (Sei Shônagon) does a lot is list things: beautiful things, awkward things (like the word awkward), hateful things, you know, the usual. (Incidentally, there should be a word for words that are like what they mean, i.e. awkward or weird). The real point is that I like the idea, so I stole it. Lists easy to make, quick to read, simple to understand, really everybody wins. Unless of course you want some sort of in depth analysis. But what American wants that. Go back to Cuba, you commie bastard. So to make a short story long, here is today's list rant: Ways I want to kill my roommate I could go on for days, but I won't. A promised, today we have a SPECIAL BONUS RANT!!! I've been thinking recently about topics for rants. They say, write what you know. Well, I've written about video games, Dungeons and Dragons, and woman's underwear. That's really about all I've got. Then I thought, if I've already written about everything I currently know, I really only have two options: do research, or tell bold face lies. In the end I decided on option C: do research and tell boldfaced lies. So without further to do I would like to introduce the fruits of these labors: A Brief History of the War of 1812 The war of 1812, apart from the senseless waste of human life, is one of the more comical events in American history. For starters the name is a bit of a misnomer, because while war was never declared until June 18, 1812, actual combat began in 1811. It finished in a similar fashion, with the Treaty of Ghent officially ending the war on December 24, 1814 (note: still not 1812), while combat continued into January 1815. There were several causes for the war. One of them was the British's treatment of American ships. Due to its war with France and Neapolitan Bonaparte (who was in fact three flavors in one), the British not only blockaded American ships from French ports, thereby hurting American business, but also by impressed sailors American sailors into the war (the one against Neapolitan. The war of 1811-1815 hadn't started yet). More importantly, however, the war gave Americans an excuse to invade Canada. The US wanted to invade Canada for several reasons. (Not that you really need a reason to invade Canada. I mean... it's Canada). First of all there were a large number of strategic resources, including, but not limited to furs, trees, and oil reserves. Additionally there was that whole "incident" regarding Celine Dion. Oh and what's this about public healthcare? Sounds like commie talk to me. Naturally the American assumed that, with Canada's general wussiness, and complete disregard for the Second Amendment, defeating them would be a piece of cake. But they though wrong. Find out just how wrong they were in the next part of "A Brief History of the War of 1811-1815" Will America Survive? February 23, 2004 So, today I'm afraid I'm going to give you what I'm going to call a filler rant. (Reader of Megatokyo can guess my inspiration). The idea behind it, is that I give you, my beloved reader, something Matthew J. Hanson related, that will wet your appetite, but that will involve little or no work on my part. (Did I mention it's ten to four where I am?) I sent an e-mail to Strongbad a couple weeks ago, but for some reason I can't understand, he has not replied to it. Since it would be a shame for this prosetic gem to be wasted, I'm putting here for your reading pleasure. (Also, I promise to do a bonus rant at some point during the week. I don't know when, so you had better check every day.) Dear Strongbad, Because you are so popular I’m sure you get lots of e-mails everyday from people promoting their websites. I must assure you however, that my website, www.matthewjhanson.com, is not like those other websites. Not only will visiting matthewjhanson.com will make beautiful women find you attractive, but it also has not yet been proven to cause cancer. Also unlike other websites that will say anything to increase traffic, we at matthewjhanson.com speak only the truth. So my question is, why are you so totally awesome? Were you just born that way, or did you spend many years in rigorous training to obtain your level current of awesomeness? Yours truly, Matthew J. Hanson February 16, 2004 I've decided to do another list rant. So here, without further ado, is a list of things I plan to do after becoming a crazy billionaire. 1. Buy a sweet sound system. If you'd like to see any of these things come to pass, you too can help me become a crazy billionaire. You know how. February 8, 2004 Recently I heard people talking about Matthew J. Hanson.com, and one of them said something that intrigued me. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something to the effect of, "Yeah, I visited Matthew J. Hanson.com. You know, it's just one of those things places you have to visit." Well it got me thinking, what about all those other places on the internet that people should visit, that may not have the name recognition of Matthew J. Hanson.com. Don't they deserve to be visited too? Yes, they do, and to that end I shall use my powers for good, and promote these hidden gems. I have selected a number of cool, but underappriciated sites, and divided them into three categories: useful websites, entertaining websites, and my friends' websites (which are neither useful nor entertaining. I'm sorry, but I cannot tell a lie). Useful websites: Google: One of the most useful
websites out there, google (or www.google.com
as it is sometimes know), is a website completely devoted to one thing:
the number one google. How large is a google? What about a googleplex?
Is a google larger then a bajillion? Find the answers to all these
questions and more at www.google.com. Entertaining websites: Penny Arcade: You know
those old arcades where the games only cost a penny to play? Well the
good people at Penny Arcade,
have created a PC emulator (sorry Mac users) for those games, and have converted
every game to rom files for public download. Technically you're only
allowed to download the roms if you already own the games, but hey,
nobody will actually check. My friends' websites: Real
Men Where Lipstick: A webcomic
done my my friend Heather, about a vampire, who may or may not use human
blood as lipstick. (Though it would be cooler if it had a disembodied
head as a character). I really like her use of color. Also, you should
check out the stickers. (P.S. I do have more then two friends, just not more than two with web pages). Today I hope to talk to a subject near and dear to my heart: Dungeons and Dragons. (D&D) Its not just the game itself I want to talk about, but the social perception of it as well. Now I'm not talking about they crazies that liken the game to satanic worship. (Thank you Dead Ale Wives). What I want to talk about are the more subtle manifestations of the social construction of Dungeons and Dragons, like the idea that Dungeons and Dragons is only for people who do not fit into the mainstream. For example, I have a number of friends who play D&D, and I notice that they (and I) often refer to it as "game." While of course this is accurate, it is a game after all, and it does take up significantly fewer syllables then either Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D, I sometimes wonder if they aren't trying to hide the fact that they play Dungeons and Dragons. It's similar to the feeling I get when I hear Vin Diesel (The Iron Giant) talk about Dungeons and Dragons. (Thanks to the good people at Diesel Sounds, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien). It's as though people fear they will be less cool if others know they play Dungeons and Dragons. And while I like him a lot, Conan wasn't helping the situation much. Any body else see the episode of the Simpsons where Homer went to college. Yeah, I'm sure none of that autobiographical. So here's my theory, what if instead of saying, "Oh yeah, I used to play Dungeons and Dragons back when I was young," Vin Diesel said. "Yeah I play Dungeons and Dragons, and I'm proud of it." Would people stop thinking Vin Diesel was cool? Of course not. I believe instead, that they would start rethinking their stereo types about D&D. "If it's good enough for Vin, it's good enough for me." Of course I have already declared that I play Dungeons and Dragons, and am proud of it, so I guess anything else would just be overkill. I mean, after all, I am Matthew J. Hanson, the coolest person ever.
January 26, 2004 So, partially because my roommate said I should, and partially because I feel a need to reclaim my soul, I am going to attempt a slightly more social conscious rant today. Bare with me for a little bit. I took a test at mpr.org (which is Minnesota public radio by the way. Take that Michigan), to see which candidate's view on the issues most clearly matched mine. I ended up having Kucinich win, but that isn't the point of this somewhat rambling narrative. (Really I'd be happy with any candidate who wasn't George W. 0% agreement Bush). The point I'm trying to get to is that It got me thinking about education in America today. I, as you may well be aware, am not an expert on education by any means. I do not fully understand the No Child Left Behind Act. (On a tangential note, if I were ever elected to congress I would introduce bills titles the "We Like Baby Seals" or "People who Don't Vote For This Bill Are Communists.") I speak only as somebody who has gone through a good deal of our educational system. I have a number of concerns, for example unfounded mandates always make me kind of nervous. One my bigger thoughts however is on the subject of testing. As a devout non-republican my first instinct is always to go with the arguments of my peers. Testing is limiting. It forces teachers to "teach the test." However as I try to be open minded I at least listen to the other side, talk about "accountability." They do have a point. How are you to know if somebody is doing a good job, if you don't have a way to check. There are probably other ways to do it, but they would be more difficult, and more expensive, and if there is one thing the American people like, its things that are cheap and easy. If there's two things, it things that are cheap and easy, and making fun of the French. If following this train of thought it occurs to me that "teaching the test" might not be such a bad thing. I remember my AP Spanish class in may ways taught the test, but it also vastly increased my level of Spanish proficiency. I the real issue to consider is whether a the things that we are being tested on are useful. I'm not convinced they are. The skills I have found to be really useful my life are things such as creativity, adaptability, and ability to interact with others. I think the same hold true for the good old standard college entrance exams such as the SAT and ACT. At least in class room tests, ability to prepare is a factor. In theory, for these standardized tests, your results will be the same regardless of whether you study or not. And I don't know about you but I have seldom had it occur that I needed to know what gregarious is to companionable as defenestrate is to what? Of course the problem is, how does one test for adaptability, or personal interaction. I don't know. All I know is that ninjas are awesome. January 23, 2004 NOTE: This started out as today's news item, but it got sort of ranty, so I thought I'd put it here as a special bonus rant. Valentine's day is rapidly approaching, and you no what that means: it's time to shamelessly whore myself and the sacred emotion of love for commercial gain. That's right, not only have I added several new pieces of merchandise to the Matthew J. Hanson.com store, including the highly demanded MJH clock (featuring a day in the life of Matthew J. Hanson) and the cuddly and adorable Matthew J. Hanson teddy bear (with logo to match your other "merchandise"), but also the good people at Cafe Press have give us a coupon code (CPLUVSU) that will allow you to save $5 when you spend $45! Only $45 dollars, that's less then the average college student spends on a weekend's worth of alcohol.* But why fritter away your hard earned greenbacks on booze. For that kind of money, why you could get three MJH t-shirts, or a thong for you and four of your closest friends, or better yet a whole shebleep load of stickers (its something like 25. Once you hit 15 you get a pretty hefty discount.) Sometimes I wonder if I have a soul. *At least that's what Benjamin Franklin said. January 19, 2004 Today, I hope to examine an age old question that has been that has been plaguing philosophers for ages. It is a question that goes to the very core human identity, and has shaped civilization throughout the ages. The question is this: Pirates or Ninjas? Each has its own advantages. Pirates lead a contradictory life, all ways enjoying the freedom of the open sea, but at the same time running the risk of being caged by the law. Ninjas meanwhile live a life of obedience, and honor. While the intense training of the ninjas provide them with incredible skills of stealth and subterfuge, it also vastly limits the ability one to become a ninja. In order to become a pirate on the other hand, all you need to do is get a boat, make a flag, and declare war on the world. Ninjas are also far more badass then pirates, but pirates do get all the cool pets, and make a bolder fashion statement. I feel this question is one that will never have a true answer, much like what is the one true religion, or what is bush's foreign policy. Instead I would maintain the point of the question is the search for the answer, not in its realization. Based on ones feeling about pirates or ninjas, we can explore the inner workings of the soul. I myself, am both a pirate and a ninja, so I find this question especially difficult to answer. January 12, 2004 Do you ever get bored? Sure we all do. So what do you do? I mean, you've already read all the archives at www.matthewjhanson.com, so what now? Well I've got a little game I like to play called... well I haven't come up with a name for it yet, but it's pretty sweet. Okay it's not totally sweet but it beats showing up early to a class that you don't really want to be at anyway. Here's the way it works. Type a random word or phase preceded by www. and followed by .com into our browser and see what pops up. What you find ranges from the totally sweet, to the totally stupid, and everything in between. Not to say that this activity is not without danger. This process all too often leads to sites trying to sell you domain names, often accompanied by annoying popups. (Note that www.popups.com actually has no popups. Though www.popup.com (singular) does). And of course, because it is the internet after all, there is the always the risk of pr0n. (Just a reminder those last three letters can make a big difference. It's www.whitehouse.gov.) However I still maintain every now and then you find those cool sites that make the danger worth it, like robot ninja, my personally favorite, I've said it before, I'll say it again, "monkey pants." Also you may finally learn what bush's foreign policy is. January 5, 2004 I'm here today to talk about a trend that is sweeping America, and the for that matter the whole world: "Reality" "entertainment." The most well known form of this is the so-called "reality" TV, such as the popular CBS show Survivor. I put "reality" in "quotes" because, honestly, how many of us really live on desert islands? And you know what, if I "really" did, I'd just wait till the camera crew wasn't looking, and steal their car. But I digress. The point that I am really leading up to, is that this idea that "real life" can be considered entertainment, has tumbled into the world of the internet in the form of web journals. For those of you who do not know, web journals are online communities where people can post what is happening in their life. Now, ostensibly these web journals serve a wide verity of purposes, such meeting new friends, or keeping in touch with old friends. But we all really know why people start these web journals. People may say what they want, but down inside they just want their fifteen mouse clicks of fame. It's something one of my friends dubbed the "Real World effect," after the popular MTV "reality" show, "The 'Real' World." These web journalist believe that their lives are so interesting that everybody should want to hear about them. My life on the other hand, really is so interesting that everybody should want to hear about it. Don't believe me? Well to prove it, I've started a web journal. I've actually had it for a bit, but I didn't want to start plugging it, till I could see if my life really was more interesting. Now that some time has gone by, I've read over the old logs, and I can honestly say, "Yes, my life really is more interesting then yours." But you don't have to take my word for it. January 1, 2004(!) Happy New Year! Yes, we've come to it again. Another year has passed away, and a new one is upon us. This is the time of year when most people look reflect on the year gone by, and make resolutions for the year to come. I however feel that this is not only an entirely arbitrary process, but furthermore it is counterproductive. If you truly want to do something, such as get fit or quite smoking, you should be able to make up your mind to do at any part of the year, not just at new years. Most people break New Year's resolutions within the month of January. I think maybe people should check the definition of resolve. Note that it says "make a firm decision," not "think of something you'd like to do, but don't really want to apply the effort to achieve effectively." This is why, for my New Year's resolution I am resolving never to make a New Year's resolution ever again. Not this year, not next year, never. Never ever. Never ever ever. And for my second resolution, I resolve to have a new rant ready every Monday morning. I shall write the rants late Sunday night, so they'll be ready for you all to enjoy. Starting next Monday. Let's see if I can keep this one. Plus you never know when there may be special bonus rants. They could appear any day of the week. (Okay, so I probably couldn't have a bonus rant Monday, because I already have the regular rant Monday. I guess I could do two rants in one day, but... well the point is, please visit www.matthewjhanson.com). December 24, 2003 I had my wisdom teeth out recently, so I'm a little sore. In the spirit of keeping things brief, I'm trying a new format, the list rant. For those of you who have not gotten your wisdom teeth out, here is a list of thing of things that are more fun then getting your wisdom teeth taken out: Things That Are More Fun Than Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Taken Out December 17, 2003 Today, as promised, I have returned to my regular pattern of educating the public. I feel it is important that I put you in touch with what is going on in the movie industry. I'm sure you all know about the heavily publicized The Station Agent, but there is another wonderful cinematic gem, that I fear will be missed unless I, Matthew J. Hanson, use my massive internet popularity to bring it to public attention. This movie is a little thing called Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, or as I like to call it: LotR:RotK. I have recently seen LotR:RotK, and I must say that I think it is defiantly above average. While, if the taken on their own, the special effects, acting, and story, are only mediocre, unlike most other movie, none of the elements totally suck, thereby making it more than palatable. As far as actors are concerned it features both relative new comers, such as Sean Astin (Please Don't Hit Me, Mom), and aged veterans, such as Jason Fitch (Lord of the Rings: Return of the King). I think however the thing that made the movie complete, is the work of Sean Foot, who, coincidently enough, put on Sean Astin's prosthetic feet. I only had one problem with this LotR:RotK. The movie started out with a nice little piece of exposition about about how the creature Gollum came into being, but other than that there was no exposition at all. The movie feels like it picked up halfway through the story. This was most disconcerting. I think this problem could have easily been remedied by extending the movie another hour or two. After all, it wasn't all that long. Oh, and Eowyen is totally hotter than Arwen. December 10, 2003 First I would like to say that this will probably the most self-indulgent rant I have every written. I know its hard to believe. "But Matthew J," you say "normally your rants are so informative and entertaining, without the least hint of egotism." Yes I know. After all, we here at www.matthewjhanson.com are concerned with one thing, and one thing only: the happiness and well being of our readers. However we feel that every now and again, for the mental health of the Matthew J. Hanson, we should allow said Matthew J. Hanson, that is to say me, to write the most self-indulgent rant ever. So here it is: You know what just about the awesomest thing ever is? When I'm sitting in a theatre watching a play that I wrote be put on. It's such a great feeling to see a script that I created become a fully realized piece of art, and what is more to see the audience enjoying it. I had just such a chance this past Sunday, when I saw my plays Who is Ruth? and The Communication Age presented as part of Help Wanted: An Evening of Student Produced Theatre. (If you missed it, it will be presented again tonight at 7:00 pm). I can't tell you what my favorite part about watching it was, because it would spoil it for those who have not yet seen the plays, but trust me, it was totally sweet. Seeing my work is great, in and of itself, but what I love even more is having my work appreciated by those of authority. Fortunately I have recently had some experience with this as well. My 10-minute play Who is Ruth? has been selected to be a finalist at the American College Theatre Festival. (Read about it here). They selected six plays, and while I don't know what the total number of entries this year, I know last year they received over a hundred. So that means I'm a better writer that at least 94 other would be playwrights. It's stuff like this that makes me feel validation, giving me hope that I might actually be able to make it in the world as a writer. Maybe not just with plays, but I have no problem doing TV or movies. Writing makes me happy. Thank you for reading. We know return you to your regularly scheduled infotaiment. Today's words are Gregarious (non Beloit) and SuperPretzel. December 5, 2003 I'm going to be graduating in December. It's kind of freaky. I will be doing an honors terms, which means that I'll still be around on campus, but it's kind of freaky none the less. The part that really worries me, is that I don't know what I am going to do with my life once I get out of college. I'd love to be a professional writer, if I could make a living at it. The only other think I can think of that I would like to do is become King of America. I figure I might as well hedge my bets and prepare for both of them. I've been sending out a lot of writing recently. Mainly plays. I also have declared myself King of Bushnell Hall (The dorm I live in). I haven't heard much back on most of the plays, and what I have heard has been rejection. My reign as king has been fairly peaceful, but not especially lucrative. So far most of the our official actions as King has been to make royal appointments. I like those because they make me feel like I have authority, but require no real work. Incidentally if you are a resident of The Kingdom of Bushnell, and would like a royal appointment come talk to me (or email me), and I'll see what I can do. A number of positions have already been filled, including Royal Secretary of Money, Lord High Slacker, and Minister of Pain, but there's still plenty of openings. Speaking of openings, the student written/student directed plays open this weekend, and they are called "Help Wanted." (There's a smooth transition for you.) You should check out the page I've devoted to it. November 28, 2003 A troubling matter has recently been brought to my attention. I was performing a run of the mill google search, when I chanced upon another website, which was one very important letter away from being the coolest website ever. Yes, my friends, I fear it is true, it is my arch rival, www.matthewhanson.com. (I dare not actually link to it. You really should not visit the site. It would only generate hits for him, not to mention be a complete waste of your time. There really is nothing of interest). The most troubling part of the matter is that in the google search (for merely "matthew hanson" no "j") while matthewhanson.com was three pages in on the list, the more prominent matthewjhanson.com (with over 200 hits in November alone) was a full 13!!! pages in. This is unacceptable. Something must be done. While I could do a certain amount by myself, alas it may not be enough. It is then to you, my faithful visitors, that I turn to in this hour or crisis. Only you can help me vanquish this threat to the Matthew J. way of life. Most importantly I would ask that any of you who have websites please somewhere include a link to matthewjhanson.com. One of the biggest determining factors in how highly google ranks you, is how many other pages link to your site. If you do link to me, and let me know I will of course include a link to you on my site. Also, while I'm not sure how successful this will be, it would be nice if you could occasionally run google searches, and then click on the matthewjhanson.com link that will appear. If you search for "matthew j hanson" I should be on the first page. If it's just "matthew hanson" I may well be further down. For those of you too lazy to actually type in the full text (and you know who you are), there are currently links on the news page that will do it for you (and also right above). I thank you. I know the hour looks dark, but I believe that together we can overcome even this adversity. November 25, 2003 You know what rules? Break does. You know why? I'm on it right now. As of 10:00 pm Monday, November 24th, I officially started Thanksgiving break. I can hear your response now. "But Matthew J. break hasn't started yet. You still have classes to go to. You can only leave the college after you're done with everything on Wednesday. You won't be home until late Wednesday evening." Well, yes this is technically true. I would like to point out however, that both my single class, and my work on Wednesday were cancelled. Also one of my classes on Tuesday, and I like all my classes on Tuesday anyway, and I have no homework due for the remaining class. However that is only a supplemental reason as too why I am on break. The real reason is this. I like being happy. Being on break makes me happy. Therefore I am on break. Pretty sweet deal huh? I don't have to worry about anything, I can just sit around all day, relax and play video games. Maybe catch some cartoons. Not a care in the world. Being on break is so sweet it makes me wonder why more people aren't on break. November 18, 2003 So say, you bought a DVD. I ask, why did you do so? Most of you probably say it's because you enjoy the movie, and wish to watch it repeatedly. A few of you may say that it's because of the special features. I'm willing to bet, however, that none of you bought the DVD because you want to see the advertisement for other movies that more and more frequently appearing before even getting to the main menu. Check out any Disney release if you don't know what I'm talking about. Having trailers on a separate section, that I can find and watch at my leisure is a different matter is different. It is the fact that I am being subjected to them over and over, every time I put in the disk that I object to. The cool thing about watching trailers at the theatres is that I haven't seen them before. But having it on a DVD? That's just half a step shy of brain washing! I don't know about you, but I for one find it outrageous! I mean you visit a site... I mean buy a DVD expecting to find a nice product, and instead you find nothing but blatant self promotion, and thinly veiled advertising. I will not stand idly by while the evils of money grubbing corporate America turn us all into cash cows sore for a milkin'. That is why I call for the people of the world to unite and rise up... Ah, who am I kidding... There are now MJH stickers, which cost only three dollars (about a sixth the price of the average DVD). And to make matters better if you only order stickers shipping is 60 cents for the first, and 10 cents for each additional, and you don't even have to pay sales tax (the government would only waste it on bombs or poor people anyway). Plus if you order them in bulk you get a discount. Oh, and did I mention all the cool people are buying them? I only tried to write that down-with-corporate-America rant because my roommate said if I didn't he'd kill me in my sleep So, just incase you didn't check it out, the new merchandise at the matthewjhanson store is a woman's thong. I for one am slightly weirded out by it. As I mentioned in my news section it really was peer pressure that drove me to it. Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there: if all your friends jump off a bridge, you should too. In other news, I've taken up smoking. Anyway, back to woman's underwear. The thing that strikes me as slightly odd is that while cafepress has woman's thongs, they do not have any other type of woman's underwear. Now admittedly I am not a woman, but somehow the idea of wearing a thong really doesn't appeal to me. They just seem like they would be really uncomfortable. Yet at the same time, were I (completely hypothetically) to wear woman's underwear, I would like to be able to at least have the option of having designs such as the ones at the matthewjhanson store, or any of the other cafepress shops. It seems to me that cafepress neglecting a significant portion of the market. Also while I am complaining about the underwear at cafepress, I feel I must mention the boxer shorts. Originally I had planned to create a pair of shorts comparable to the thong, but the shorts offered really did not appeal to me. More accurately the quantity and positioning of the images upset me. I am allowed one image and it is on the lower part of the right thigh. I mean come on people! You managed to find space for two images on a thong! Let's compare the surface area of the two. Hmm... surprising the boxer shorts actually have more. Also the main image on the thong is directly over the crotch. I realize that the whole fly situation would make it difficult, but you could at least put an image on the arse. My roommate came up with a solution to the location problem. It looks something like this. (Just graphic). I don't know if I'll actually put it in the shop. Maybe if there is enough peer pressure. November 6, 2003 So, guess what? People actually visit my site!!! Okay, so you probably know that if you're reading this, because that means you visit the site, but I'm excited. In October alone, I had 541 hits. I know, maybe for some of those huge mega-sites out there you get that many an hour, but for me? I mean that's an average of 17 hits a day! And yes, I think that does include clicking of multiple pages during a single visit , and yes, I have a feeling some of these are some sort of webbot (my peak hour is 5 am), but still, I'm totally psyched. Also the thing that surprised me the most is I'm actually not the one who visits my site most often. My two IP addresses are numbers three and four on the list, and even if I add them together, they are still not number one. Whoever you are that visits my site a lot, you are totally sweet. I do know the #1 person is at Beloit though, because all of our IP addresses start the same. #2 is non-Beloit, I'm guessing my brother. (Who is also totally sweet). Looking at the sats, something occurred to me. I wonder who all these people are that visit my website. I've told most of my friends at college about it, and I'm sure some of them must visit on occasion. I've also told a bunch of folk back home. The thing I really wonder though, is if there are some people out there that I have never met that visit the site. If you are one of those such people, maybe one who visits at five in the morning, I'd love to hear from you, and why you choose to visit or how you heard of matthewjhanson.com. Maybe if you have a particularly interesting story I'll talk about you in my next rant. So, it's 11:04 p.m, and I just finished a bowl of Kix. Now some of you may think that this is a "midnight snack" (yes I know it's really at midnight, that why its in quotes). It actually was not just a snack. The food actually was part of a new paradigm in consumable initiatives: Brinner. That's right brinner, part lunch part dinner. Not in the brunch sense though. Because with brunch brunch is a meal tat takes the place of both breakfast and lunch. With brinner you also get to eat a full dinner as well. Just no breakfast. Brinner is a meal developed for people who like to sleep in until eleven, but still like to benefit from eating three meals a day. As putting a new meal between lunch and dinner would be silly, I have decided instead to put it in the only logical position left, after dinner. Brinner starts usually between ten and eleven at night, and can cost of any food commonly eaten either for breakfast or for dinner. Lunch food are also acceptable, but not encourage. Dessert may be eaten afterwards, or not, depending on the taste of the briner. To be honest, I'm not entirely married to the name brinner, but it's the best I've been able to come up with so far. At first I just thought about calling it post-dinner, and well... that would just be lame. October 20, 2003 Oofta! It's been a long time. In a bit of poor planning I left my laptop (which has all the mjh.com files on it) at college during my break. And before that there were midterms, and before those there were video games, and... well it's been a while. The good news is I did have a nice break. It was very restful, and very cartoonful (I've decided that Vandal Savage is my favorite Justice League villain.) I also took the opportunity to do some writing, including a 10-minute play, that you might here about later on my writing page. But I think the most important thing of all that I accomplished over break, is that I answered the age old question, "Is there a monkeypants.com?" October 9, 2003 So, I did an ego search yesterday. For those of you who don't know, that's when you enter your own name into a search engine, such as Google, and see what it comes up with. What did I get? You can see for yourself right here. Incase you did not notice that website at the top, yeah, that's mine. Okay, so when I say I did a search yesterday, really I've been doing a search every few days since I registered at Google, because I'm a big dork like that. The point is that now people can find me by searching Google, thus I feel like a real web-site. (I don't mean I feel like I web-site, but... never mind). I only show up as the top result when you search for "Matthew J. Hanson" at the moment. My goal is to be the top for when you search for just "Matthew Hanson" maybe for some other stuff too, I don't know what other searches would lead to my site. Maybe a search for things that are totally sweet? I firmly believe that video games will be the downfall of civilization as we know it. I don't think this because they are corrupting America's youth or anything like that. It is because people will eventually spend so much time playing video games that they will do nothing else and die of starvation. They won't even make new games, just sit around and play old ones. Okay, so when I say people, what I really mean is me. I haven't gotten as much done recently as I would have hoped, and my current scapegoat is a little thing I like to call Disgaea. It's a tactical RPG, in the same genre as Final Fantasy Tactics (the best video game ever). My roommate as even coined the term "Disgaea hangover," to describe when I've been up the previous night playing, and am tired and cranky the next day. The best part is that I'm not even really playing the game through. I mean I'm not doing any of the plot battles or anything. My roommate is the one who actually owns the game and therefore advances the story. I just level up the items. (There is a "mini-dungeon" in every item in the game, and there are items inside those dungeons, and there are dungeons inside those items. Will the vicious circle never end?!) I'm really a sucker for turn based strategy. Well, at least I'm not still hooked on SMAC. September 20, 2003 Yar, in case any on you land lubbers missed it, yesterday was international talk like a pirated day. It be a might fine day say I. I think when I grow up to become a crazy billionaire, I will by all the TV networks for a day and make all the anchor people talk like pirates. Arrrrr!!! Did I mention I want to grow up to be a crazy billionaire? I do, its probably my number one goal in life. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get the money yet, but I'll find a way. September 14, 2003 So I'd like to get hornswagled. "Why?" I hear you ask. Well, it is not that I want to be hornswaggled in and of itself. I just would like to use the new expression I developed: "Dip my head in candy and call me a sucker," as in "Well dip my head my head in candy and call me a sucker, I done been hornswaggled." It is and expression that I am quite proud of, but have not had the opportunity to actually use. While we're on the subject here are some other expression I enjoy. (But did not invent). "A little from column A and a little from column B" "I shall return... with a vengence." "~ is cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet." September 14, 2003 So I'd like to get hornswagled. "Why?" I hear you ask. Well, it is not that I want to be hornswaggled in and of itself. I just would like to use the new expression I developed: "Dip my head in candy and call me a sucker," as in "Well dip my head my head in candy and call me a sucker, I done been hornswaggled." It is and expression that I am quite proud of, but have not had the opportunity to actually use. While we're on the subject here are some other expression I enjoy. (But did not invent). "A little from column A and a little from column B" "I shall return... with a vengeance." "~ is cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet." September 2, 2003 Unlike most rants to date, this rant is actually truer to the classical definition of a rant, in that I am angry about something. What about? Well you see I had class yesterday. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to many of you, the foreign readers especially (I don't think I have any actual foreign readers), but let me point out that yesterday was Labor Day, a Federal United States holiday. This means, among other things, that my sister, who attends a Public University did not have class yesterday, but I did. Furthermore, it was not the entire Beloit College community that was up in running. Oh no. The mail center was shut down, so we could not get our mail, the accounting office was closed, so we could not get cash, and the books store was closed, so that those of us who had decided to be patient and confirm that our required readings matched what the book store listed (which they often do not), we could not get our books. But I still had to go to class. Why is this. I think the answer is obvious. There is only one reason that Beloit College would choose to disregard such a patriotic day as labor day: because Beloit is run by a bunch of commies. That's right, the Beloit College powers that be have been infiltrated by members of the communist party, who are probably working with foreign powers to demoralize the youth of America. There can be no other solution. August 30, 2003 I just finished my first week of school back here at Beloit. It's been pretty good so far. Most importantly I have discovered that I like sleeping in. A lot. I have a 12:00 p.m. class on Thursdays, and a 1:00 every other day. You know why I wake up each morning? Because I'm done sleeping. Life is good. August 22, 200 So, I'm pretty psyched about having my own website. I hope you like it. I'd like to take this opportunity to give a mad shout out to my brother Erik Hanson, with out whom none of this would have been possible. He's one of those really cool people who knows a lot about computers, works as a programmer, and he's pretty awesome. Speaking of giving out mad shouts, I just just want to take this opportunity to say that when if I every use terms such as, "give a mad shout," "chillin' in my crib," or "I'm picking up what you are laying down," I should let you know that I am the sort of person who can use the phrases without sounding stupid. I am completely serious. And by completely serious, I mean not seriously at all. Really very little I say should be taken seriously. If you are one of those people who has a problem taking people to seriously, you probably shouldn't read these rants. Oh, and look out, there's a spider on your back. |
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