Updated every Monday (Plus the occasional bonus rant). This is where I post my random thoughts, anything I feel like writing about. In theory they're entertaining and educational. You can decide for yourself. You can check out old rants by going to the archive.

October 25, 2004
Matthew J. Hanson's Secret Origins! (This is not the secret of how Matthew J. Hanson originated. These are secret origins revealed to you by Matthew J. Hanson)

This week on Matthew J. Hanson's Secret origins: "Putting in My Two Cents."

For some strange reason that I might tell you more about next Friday, I've been looking at a lot of blogs recently. There are a plethora of blogs whose title include some variation of the phrase "my two cents." Not to spurring because the phrase means to give ones opinion, but it made me wonder just how many of those people actually know from where the phrase, "my two cents," originates. 

The answer:

My two cents dates from the time when a United States Postal Stamp cost only two cents. Thus if you where send a letter to the editor voicing your concerns about, say, a political candidate, (Let the Wookie Win)  it would cost you two cents to print the letter, thus you would be "putting in your two cents."

October 18, 2004
Today is just one of those days. You know, the kind where you get out of bed and realize that it's about forty degrees in your apartment, because you don't actually believe in heating. (Because I'm a real Minnesotan). Then you got to eat breakfast, but the milk has gone bad, and all that's left of the cereal is the crumbs smashed to the bottom. So you pour Diet Pepsi over your Malt-o-Meal Raisin-Bran Cereal crumbs, turning it into a pasty brown mush with the occasionally pocket of pruney grape. Then it's off to the office twenty miles per hour, because the car won't get passed second gear, just to top it all off there's a tyrannosaurus rex using your computer. You'd like to kick him off, but what can you did. It's a freaking Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Yeah, it's just one of those days.

October 11, 2004
If you're like most Americans, you probably went to you mail box this afternoon and said, "Hey, why didn't I get any mail?" Then you said, "Oh right, it's Columbus day." Then you were like me you added, "Lousy Columbus." Partially I'm angry that Columbus has prevented me from receiving mail 23 times and counting, but that's just the crust on the on the pie of hatred I bake for Christopher Columbus.

First of all, the whole thing about, "I'm Columbus I'm going to prove the Earth is round!" thing. That really bugs me. Any well educated person on the fifteenth century knew that the earth was round. The real reason that nobody funded Columbus was because they didn't think Columbus could survive the voyage all the way to the orient. And you know what. They were right!

Columbus should have died in the middle of the ocean, who just happened to luck out and stumble upon a large mass of land. Columbus not only didn't get close to accomplishing his goals, there is no way he could have accomplished his goals, and for that we give him a federal holiday? Even George Washington doesn't have his own day anymore, he has to share with forty-one other yutzes. (To those of you who doubt my math, all I have to say is GROVER CLEVELAND!)

I could go on and on about why Columbus is lame, but I don't wan to take up too much of your time.

Of course if I was still in school high school, I'd be partying because I had the day off. 

October 4, 2004
Things I have always wondered:

1. If the number two pencil is the most popular pencil in the world, why is it still number two?
2. What happens to the letters addressed to Santa Claus?
3. Just where is the any key?
4. What happens to the letters addressed to Elvis?
5. Where does the term "Poop deck" come from?
6. How many times would five billion Spam cans, placed end to the end, encircle the globe?
7. Is there a monkeypants.com?
8. Will I ever get tired of the monkeypants.com joke?
9. Why haven't more people bought MJH buttons?
10. What is the best website ever?
11. Will pirates and ninjas ever learn to get along?

September 27, 2004
You know what else makes me angry? Communists. Oh sure, I bet most of you think, "Matthew J. Hanson, you're over reacting. The Communist threat died when the USSR collapsed." That's what they want you to think. Not only are communist nations like Cuba still going strong, but the the Communists threat is alive in our vary own United States of America. Their true threat is evidenced by the fact that the party has its own website. Not just anybody can have a website. What's more, the Communist Party USA (CPUSA) is using its dastardly website to promote radical extremist left wing agendas that no right thinking person could possibly agree with.  

Even here in rugged Alaska the commies are infiltrating the system. They have something called the Permanent Fund Dividend (PFD), which commandeers money from the entrepreneurial oil companies, and distributes it to the citizens. Even small children and old people, who contribute nothing to the economy, receive this PFD check. Fortunately Senator Gary Stevens wants to take your PFD away.

September 21, 2004
A few weeks back I mentioned that it is sometimes hard to rant, because not very much makes me angry. Well I've found something that makes me angry. (And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry). 

People using overly extended metaphors. For example: "A marriage is like a horse. If it you don't take care of it, it's going to get sick. And when it dies about all you can do is melt the hooves down into glue." What!? That doesn't mean anything. Okay I agree that your marriage might get sick if you don't take care of it, but melting it down into glue? First of all, I'm pretty sure you don't melt the hooves. If I were to choose a verb, I would say render. But more importantly, THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!! For some reason people seem to think that if you say something in a pithy and aphoristic way, it must be true. It's like underlines on a hyperlink.

If you've seen the second season of Six Feet Under you know what I'm talking about.

September 13, 2004
I have come to the conclusion that I greatly miss the theatre. The theatre totally rocks hard cores. Yes, there is a theatre here in Homer Alaska, but that's not the same. Back in the cities the theatres are a bloated biomass teeter on the edge of carrying capacity, barley able to find enough resources to sustain themselves. Even at Beloit, where there was only the college theatre to speak of, I was happier, probably because I was far more involved in it on a daily level.

Really I think that is what I miss. Not just the presence of theatre, but having theatre as an integral part of my existence. Oh sure, I've gone to the theatre, I can write for the theatre, but what I truly urn for is for to be a part of theatre, and for theatre to be a part of me.

I also miss Dungeons and Dragons.
 

September 6, 2004
One of the things that fascinates me in general are culturally accepted symbols for things, especially when the symbol bares little or no resemblance to the thing it represents. I can buy that this means happy, because it vaguely resembles the way ones face looks when one is happy, but does this look anything like stop? Not by itself, but it has become a culturally accepted symbol, so we all know what it means.

The reason I bring this up, is because I actually want to talk about baby talk. Not the talk that babies make, but rather the sing-songy voice that adults use when they are addressing babies, also often used to address small animals. Do to my recent exposure to a small child, I have recently been exposed to copious amounts of baby talk. The question that has been raised in my mind, is whether this baby talk does any good, if perhaps the children are better able to understand us because of certain inflections of the voice, or whether it is simply another culturally accepted symbol. We all know that this is the way we speak when addressing babies, therefore it is what we do.

I don't know the answer myself. Perhaps there is some scientific research out there that does, but I'm to lazy to try and find it.

August 23, 2004
As I'm some of you might be aware, there is currently an event going on in Athens known as the "Olympics." It is quite fitting that they should once again be held in Athens, because the Olympic games originated in ancient Greece over two thousand years ago. In those days, the games were so important that warring city states would temporarily have a cease fire while the games were happening. Of course the did not call it a a cease fire, because those were the days before fire was invented.

The current incarnation of the Olympics seems mainly geared around letting us know what shows will be on NBC after the Olympics, interrupted by the occasional swimming or gymnastics routine. Speaking of swimming, I feel bad for people like Micheal Phelps, for whom the standard is set so high. When he placed third in the 200-meter freestyle, the news wasn't that he won a bronze medal, it was that he could no longer tie Mark Spitz's record. The thing that I find far more interesting is the total underdogs, like Iraq's soccer team, who are elated to make the semi-finals, saying nothing of winning the bronze.

And because I don't have access to cable I don't get to watch any of the "less primetime TV worthy" sports, such as badminton, table tennis, or even fencing, the latter in which USA even took a gold medal. 

August 16, 2004
You know what the hardest part about rants is? Coming up with subjects to rant about. And I think I know why. The problem is that I'm just not angry enough. I mean, if I was angry, about all kinds of stuff, I could write something new each week about what I was angry about, but no, I'm pretty happy. 

Sure maybe there are a few things that get me angry, like Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius, or possibly vinegar. But really vinegar is more a combination of fear and loathing, much like the feelings that prompted primitive man to drive saber-tooth tigers to extinction. I sometimes try to be angry at Matthew Hanson, for having a website that is vastly inferior to mine, yet incredibly similar in name, or at the Matthew Hanson trail for taking up that number one spot on Google that is rightfully mine, but really I'm minorly irritated at best. 

You know that chemical imbalance in the brain that can make people depressed? I think I sometimes think I might have the opposite of that. I wonder if there's a term for that. Clinically... pressed? That sound like what a doctor does to his suit.

The solution of course is to become angry with my lack of anger. I'll give it a week and let you all know how it turns out.

August 9, 2004
Super Powers that would a little useful, but not very:

1. The power to turn lead into mold
2. Laser pointer vision
3. The ability to predict the outcome of a coin flip
4. Super sneezes
5. Spam-o-vision
6. The ability to communicate telepathically with sea life
7. The ability to create fruit cakes out of thin air
8. Super slow speed
9. Magnetic toe nails
10. The power of dancing like a monkey 

August 2, 2004
Children are incredibly interesting. I've been living with a small child the past couple of weeks (as a result of the Alaska move). I've also had a fair amount of contact with them because of my new occupations as a balloon inflator. (Did you know you needed a license to inflate and distribute balloons in Alaska?)

Ella is the child of Mike Yourkowski and Renae Blanton. She is thirteen months old and it is fascinating to watch her learn. For example she's working on that put-the-shapes-in-the-proper-hole game. She's got the circles down pat, but square and the triangle are still giving her some problems. My main goal in life is to teach Ella how to high five. It is an effort that seems to be meeting with mixed success. 

Inflating the balloons was also very educational. Not only did I get the knack of balloon profiling (hint, most teenagers don't actually want you to tie the balloon), I also saw a classic example of attempted child manipulation.

I try to keep an eye out for repeat visitors. One child returned claiming his balloon had, "flown away." I provided him another one (because I'm a nice guy). Said child then walked about ten feet away, looked at us (me and Mark), and threw his balloon up in the air. He was back again, and I told he he couldn't have another, at which point he started pouting, and actually made his nose run. That was kind of impressive but not enough. No more balloons for that kid.

July 26, 2004
It is common for people entering the world of politics to assure themselves that they will be able to stay above the usual fray, and not stoop to the dirty tricks so commonly used in the practice.

That's what I thought. It lasted for a couple days.

For those of you who are unaware, I have recently been doing some volunteering for Mike Yourkowski's State Senate Campaign. We recently our 'Campaign Kickoff [was] a Success' (which, must be true because, as faith readers of Matthew J. Hanson.com know, everything on the internet is true. Part of the reason that the event was so succesful, is that certain persons from the campaign traveled thought the nearby farmers market carrying a limited supply of balloons, which were dispensed free of charge to young children. But alas there were not enough balloons to give to all the children. But there were more balloons back at the Yourkowski kickoff event (as well as free cookies and juice).

Oh, and we'll be giving away more balloons at the Concert on the Lawn (July 31-Aug 1).

July 19, 2004
For those of you who are not aware, I have recently moved to Homer Alaska., so I thought I would take this opportunity to teach you all a little something about the town.

First of all, there is still some debate as to how Homer got its name. The two leading theories is that it was named either by scholars of ancient classical literature, or by fans of a popular animated sit-com. A third theory, now discredited by scientific evidence, promotes the idea that the town was named for 'Homer Pennock.' Despite the vast array of scientific proof against this, many people still cling to this 'Homwer Pennock,' belief. 

Another important fact (which you will have learned if you read last week's rant) is that Homer is the "Halibut Capitol of the World." Now don't let the name fool you. Like most of you, when I first heard this, I too believe that Homer was where Halibut held  their seat of government. Not so. Apparently it is called the "Hallibut Capital of the World," because they do a lot of halibut fishing there. I have written the Homer Chamber of Commerce informing them of this misnomer, and pleading them to change Homer's title to, "Place Where We Catch a Lot of Fish." To date I have received no reply.

I could go on and on about Homer. Tell you all about the spit (some people just have no decency), or how it is home to Tom Bodett (of Motel Six fame). But where I to relate all my vast knowledge of Homer, we would be here all night. Instead I will close by plugging Mike Yourkowski for Senator. If you want to vote for him in the primaries, you need to register by July 25th. Here's how.

July 12, 2004
Useless trivia that I have recently learned:

1. Glaciers are formed by snow that piles up until the wait of the snow is so intense that it turns the lower layers into ice.
2. Steve Sviggum, Republican speaker of the Minnesota house is against free pie.
3. Andy Richtor, former sidekick to Conan O'Brien, was his high school prom king.
4. Homer Alaska is the Halibut Capital of the World.
5. Being bitten by a radioactive spider actually does not give me super powers.
6. The longest recorded length for an alligator is 19' 2'.
7. If there is one thing on this earth I like more than pie, it's Popsicles.
8. The Hormel foods plant in Austin Minnesota can store over 20,736,000 cans of Spam.
9. My health insurance plan does not cover radioactive spider bites.
10. Steve Sviggum is also apposed to free Popsicles

July 5, 2004
Every pretend like you have super powers? Yeah you do. My favorites are pretending I have Jedi powers (because I am to lazy to actually walk over to the remote, and because I want to say "these are not the droids you're looking for), and laser vision. When I was still in school I would use my laser vision on the obnoxious people in class. I wouldn't shoot them or anything, I would just cut on of the legs off their chair.

Also sometimes I think about what life would be like if I was an ogre. I'm pretty sure I'd eat kittens. 

June 28, 2004
Today's story starts, like so much in my life, with me listening to NPR. I forget the specific show, but the subject matter was a searching tool called blinkx, which in a creepy way, searches for information not based on key words that you type in, but by reading what is in your active window.

Now this being on the radio, I assumed that the product was spelled blinx, but www.blinx.com just links to some sort of commie sight. Eventually found what I was looking for, but the thought occurred to me, what happens when you search for a search engine. Very Zen thing to do, so I tried it.

I entered the key words "search engine" into Google, Yahoo, Lycos, AltaVista, and Dogpile. Not too surprisingly Google got the best rankings. Interestingly yahoo, was the only search engine, which ranked itself as the number one site. Google had itself as the number one search engine, but ranked above it was a site called Search Engine Watch, an interesting little site that delivers the latest news about search engines. I've just started looking at it, but I think so far its very interesting.

In other search engine news, I am number one in all the above engines when searching for "Matthew J. Hanson," and on the first page searching for just, "Matthew Hanson."

Oh, and try searching an image search on Google with the keywords, "map of Canadian provinces".

Contact Matthew J. Hanson at matthew@matthewjhanson.com