Now some of my loyal readers might feel that I am slightly prone to the occasional hyperbole, but let me assure you that everything I say in this rant is absolutely true.

It all started when an eagle dropped a turtle on my head, and I died instantly.

Okay. Fine. That part is not true. But the rest? Totally true. I promise.

It really all started when I checked my email. Among my emails was a letter from Amazon.com saying they had processed the return of my recent order. "Return?" I asked bemusedly. "That’s funny. I'm not sure how I managed to return a package I never received." Yes, somehow either Amazon or the United States Postal Service managed to screw things up and preemptively return my package. This is a package that I not only still wanted to receive, but it contained a birthday present for my mother that I hoped to give her in three days time. Odds of that now seemed rather unlikely.

But I could worry too much about that. I had to go to work. I had to teach a rabble of rambunctious ragamuffins the finer joys of chess. At 3:35. At least I was told to teach them at 3:35. In reality I was supposed to teach them at 3:20. This might not sound like a large time difference to you, but then you probably never left a dozen second graders alone in a room full of expensive equipment for fifteen minutes. Second graders can invent all kinds of breaking.

Yet somehow I managed to persevere through that debacle, and attend rehearsal (relatively unscathed). Then, when I finally got home at 10:30 post meridiem, I walked downstairs only to step into a pool of ice-cold water.

That's right. The basement was flooded.

One would think these would be all the ingredients of a bad day, but despite all my trials and tribulations, I managed to maintain a positive and cheerful attitude. Why? I can only think of one reason.

I'm Matthew J. Hanson

Because when you're Matthew J. Hanson, life is awesome. End of story.