My fears first began when I found beloved shows from my childhood appearing on Nick at Night. Then I realized I was shifting my portfolio from high-risk stocks to government bonds.

But the nail in the coffin of agedness came in the form of the Mosquito. This device was designed as a “teenager repellant,” producing an annoying high pitch sound that only teenagers can hear.

In a beautiful twist of irony, a weapon to be used against teenagers was co-opted by these youngsters and has been used to create cell phone ring tones that can only be heard by those less than twenty-four.

Naturally I am unable to hear this noise.

And the worst part is that my brother... my elder brother... my elder brother who is almost thirty (30) can still hear this sound.

Well, now that I've discovered how old I am, I guess there's nothing left to do but go watch Matlock.